the pain of indecisiveness

It seems like I am the only high school senior that doesn’t know where they are going to college or who their roommate is!  It’s kind of unnerving, especially because I have to wait until Thursday to go visit the last school I’m interested in.  I’m sure (I’m hoping) that once I go there, I’ll really know where I want to spend the next four years of my life.  ‘ll think of something great or not so great and I’ll think that I need to go to that school or that there’s no way that I could go to that school.  That doesn’t sound like a problem until I realized that I kept thinking of good and not-so-good things for both the schools I’m seriously considering.  All of this indecisiveness about schools has made some of the best months of high school/ my childhood (although it is weird, considering I’m almost an adult!) incredibly stressful (not to mention the added stress of being in an incredibly strenuous academic program).  It is hard to relax, especially since I know I should be working on something or another.  All work and no play makes Caroline very worn down!  I have been able to find a few things that do alleviate the pressure of being a millennial in one of the most transitional and transformative times of my life:

  • playing soccer!!!
  • yoga (my mother and I started going to classes regularly a few months ago, and I’ve started to become comfortable in the positions and transitioning from pose to pose, which sounds small, but is very important in the practice.  I will continue practicing in college, which will give me a constant in that time of change)
  • reading nonfiction books about topics that I’m interested in (because although I’m enjoying the book and the content, I am still learning)
  • watching an episode or two of The Office (no episode fails to make me laugh.  One of my friends and I always talk about The Office, so it’s good to have something new/old to talk about with them)
  • baking cookies (I discovered this when I baked cookies to ask my friend to our school’s Sadie Hawkins dance.  I went home and baked cookies instead of laying on the couch, eating a snack, and being on my phone, and I felt much more relaxed and ready to take on my homework!)

Things I’ve discovered that don’t relax me and instead make me feel like I’m wasting my time:

  • scrolling through my social media feeds (because they just suck my time!  Once I start, I find it very hard to stop, even when I’m supposedly “working on homework”)
  • semi-napping or sleeping in late (although I am constantly sleep deprived, which takes a toll on my health and mental capabilities, when I don’t take a full nap after school and just doze, I never feel rested.  When I sleep in late on weekends, I wake up and go on my phone for about an hour, setting a non-productive and lazy tone for the day, which is detrimental because to get my homework done in a well and timely fashion, I need to work on homework both days of the weekend)
  • listening to music while working (I need to be in a very particular mood, and I can only listen to instrumental music or music I’m not familiar with, or else I get absolutely no work done)

I hope some of my habits can help you all determine what makes you feel relaxed and calm!  I also hope my indecisiveness can inspire you to make a decision today!

currently listening to: Let’s Get Started by Dylan Gardner

currently watching: old episodes of The Office

currently reading: Death at SeaWorld by David Kirby (still, I know!  I already did my presentation, but I never finished the book, and it’s so interesting!!)

 

 

 

college essays

Everyone tells you when you begin the college application process that although it is stressful, it will also be a lot of fun and help you learn more about yourself.  I’m not sure what type of application experience these people had, but my experience was very different.  While writing the dozens of essays needed for the countless schools and scholarships, I did realize the extent of how much I had done over the past few years, and that was astounding.  In the moment, I never thought how much I was doing and how strong it made me (I only focused on what needed to be done, and what other students were doing that I wasn’t, giving them a leg up in the application process-competition is a killer).

To start, I applied to a lot of schools (a lot of safety schools to balance out the many stretch schools), all of which, while they say they have “unique” essays, are all essentially asking for the same thing.  Because of that, I was able to write three-five base essays that I only had to edit to fit the specific length and school requirements (making the whole “discovering myself” goal a bit more difficult).  But these essays weren’t about me.  They were about what I’ve done (which is me, but not all of me).  I made a sobering realization-the schools don’t want all of me, they just want my positives (my passion for school and my community, etc).  I’ve heard so much about the lack of support for sexual assault victims, victims of injustice, and other unfair things, and it just reinforces the sharp realization that the colleges only want prestige and my money.  I know this isn’t fair, and I’m so excited for college!!  It’s just that I’ve spent my entire life working relentlessly towards college, and now that I’m here, it’s kind of underwhelming.  I realize that getting into these amazing colleges is great, and that I’m so fortunate to be able to go to college, but I can’t help but to weigh both sides of this.

Back to the topic at hand-why did I not discover myself while writing these essays that are supposedly asking about me, and only me.  I decided (in the most optimistic manner I could) that the schools would get to know me when I was there-they only wanted to know if my experiences and successes would be a good match for me.  They don’t want me to go to school and then flame out!

to share or not to share, that is the question (and I don’t know the answer)

I’m wondering if I should share this blog with a few of my close friends, but I’m having trouble deciding.. on to one of my favorite ways to decide things, a pro/con list!

Pros

  • automatic audience
  • this is a type of social media, so I’d want my friends to see!

Cons

  • I’m planning to be real on here
  • I don’t want to have to choose my words/topics carefully because I don’t want people to see

Neither side is particularly strong, so I suppose I’ll just wait to make a decision ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

the beginning of (hopefully) something good

I’ve never been able to keep up any type of recording of my life, and I’ve tried.  I’m inclined to believe that this time will be different (although I’ve said that many times before).  I’ve tried:

  • journals
  • online diaries
  • tumblrs
  • photo journals
  • and probably something else that I’m missing

I’m not entirely sure why none of these methods have worked, but I like the fact that this blog is easily customizable and easy to write on!  (As I typed that sentence, I downloaded the WordPress app)

My goals for this blog:

  • not to be a dumping ground of words-I want these posts to be interesting to people other than me!
    • for example, I read an online magazine in which a group of young authors can submit “diaries” weekly, and I wholeheartedly enjoy reading about their most recent experiences and such, even though I can’t relate.
  • to post semi-regularly
    • I have an incredible amount of things that I have to do everyday, but I know taking the time to write a few posts a week would make me very proud!
  • to gain an audience
    • I don’t expect thousands of followers, but I’d like to know somebody enjoys my writing or experiences enough to keep up with what I post!

A couple of notes: my info section says “a transitional time” not because I’m angsty or anything, I’m just in the last year of living in my hometown and am about to go off to college.  This year is a year of lasts (and firsts, although as of right now, I’ve experienced more lasts than firsts) and it’s a lot of different experiences/feelings.

 

currently listening to: Around U by Ellie Goulding

currently watching: Blackfish

currently reading: Death at SeaWorld by David Kirby

can you sense a theme?  I’ve got an oral presentation later this week on the ethics of keeping animals in captivity for human entertainment, and my real life situation is SeaWorld.